Have your parents ever punished you with the words, “We’re doing this for your own good so you grow up to be a good person,” or “We punish you because we love you”? Children are unable to understand such statements because they are ambivalent—double-edged.
In adult life, this often complicates the resolution of already difficult consequences of these contradictory relationships. This phenomenon in psychology has a name—it’s called a double bind. When we hear such statements, our response to the feeling of confusion will be either anger or fear.
Sometimes, double binds can be a character trait. For example, “Stay there, come here”—when a person’s behavior shows they want you to come closer, but as you do, they push you away. Such a person might ask for advice or help, but when they receive it, they devalue any help and say their problem is too complex for “simple advice” or even unsolvable.
If this resonates with you, try to focus on what you want to say, but instead of getting into details, try to describe the polarized feelings towards the situation, such as anger and joy.
Clear your life space of double binds to make life easier for yourself and your loved ones.
